Finally Dana

I’m in the middle of a Star Wars marathon and could not think of a better title. Hope is the basis of a lot of the trans experience. I hope that undergoing medical transition will relieve the dysphoria I feel, and so far it has. I want to write today about hope and surgery. 

I made bargains with myself. When the dysphoria was wrecking me and I felt that I should just come out, I tried desperately to hold it off. I knew that the longer I waited the less likely I would achieve a “passable” feminine look, but I really deeply felt shame and disgust at what I was. I would help relieve the pressure I felt by researching and reading about Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS). I told myself that I still had a chance, that if I transitioned later, I could still get surgery to remove the results of testosterone poisoning. 

I would browse the relevant subreddits and make whole Pinterest boards. I would go to surgeons’ websites and look through their galleries to find someone who looked something like me and then fantasize that I looked like the “after” picture. In some ways, this harmed me, as I did delay my transition. 

The net result of fantasizing and even planning on using FFS to relieve my masculine features is that I delayed my transition and laid an enormous amount of hope on finally undergoing the operation. I undertook FFS and am in recovery right now. I hope that the result is everything I have spent decades dreaming about, but what if it isn’t? What if the mountain of hope I have laid on this one thing collapses?

There is a significant body of research that demonstrates the statistically significant benefit to mental well being after FFS, as well as countless anecdotal accounts. However, relying on this research in some ways misses the point. Every surgery I undertake will be done with the hope of something greater, however, hanging my sense of self on these surgeries leaves me open to discord and harm. 

There is a dichotomy at work in the trans experience. Most trans people I interact with are searching for self-actualization. Part of that includes acceptance of yourself, but that is directly contradictory to the experience of dysphoria. Am I denying efforts towards self-acceptance by taking the medically necessary steps towards relieving dysphoria? Or is accepting myself and taking steps to relieve the dysphoria part of my journey towards self-actualization?

Beyond hormone replacement therapy, surgical intervention drastically and directly targets aspects of dysphoria. If all I see in the mirror is a man, and that is contradictory to my internal sense of self, am I giving into vanity or denying my own self worth by relieving that stress?

In the end, I have to seek both self-actualization and a relief of dysphoria. I need to find a balance where I do accept the medical necessity of change, but don’t rely on that change to determine my worth. It is a journey I am continuing. I hope that my Facial Feminization Surgery is a smashing success. I have faith that I will be happy (eventually) no matter what.

Dana (Twitter: @DanaFinally; Instagram: @SuperDanaGirl)