Finally Dana

The story is the same for every recent divorcee. There is nothing specific or special about being transgender that encourages the lonely weekend nights. When you are young, your friends are still single and still eager to spend time with friends on the weekend. When you start to approach middle age, weekends become about family. They were for me.

And it was wonderful.

I always had plans. Sometimes those plans involved dressing up and going out to some fancy dinner or event. Sometimes those plans were sitting at home with my wife and eating some good cheese with crusty bread. Sometimes it was watching a movie we had seen a dozen times, but it was always something we did together.

Now my weekends are often spent alone. I have good friends who make time for me. They have their own lives and their own families and just like me, weekends are reserved for family. 

I spent my day today preparing the home that I love for sale. I live in a friends basement and he is out of town with his family. On the way to my friend’s house, I stopped at the grocery store, bought a prepackaged sandwich and tub of olives then spent the evening watching Pose. 

Alone. 

Being alone is painful. I can’t help but feel like this is yet another punishment I am enduring for the sin of being transgender. In my more forgiving moments, I feel that it is a punishment for not coming out earlier and missing the chance to build my life as Dana. It is so much easier when everyone around you is in the same phase of life as you. When everyone is young and single, there is always someone to be with. Now, I know that I am becoming a burden to friends who spend as much time with me as they can. They are in a different phase of life and I accept that. 

I am entering a second adolescence, but doing it alone, with nobody sharing the same experiences or struggles. I am repeating my freshman year in learning about who I am and who I should be with while everyone around me is graduating. 

Being alone is educational and genuinely provides an opportunity for growth and self actualization. I seek out stimulation and company partly to avoid my own thoughts. I have always felt a strong need to be around other people, largely because I could more easily shove aside the dysphoria and pretend like I was having fun and that I was loving life. Learning to be alone is a significant opportunity for growth and one that I need to embrace. 

I am forced to confront the fact that I am where I am because of choices I made. I did not chose to be transgender, but I did chose to hide it for years. I knew I was transgender when I married, but did not disclose it to my partner. It is not her fault, but mine that my confession ended our marriage. I accept the responsibility and embrace the penance.

I am alone on a Saturday night, but I am safe. I have shelter and a full belly. I know that I will wake up tomorrow in a warm bed and there will be food and clean water available. I have a job, a car and an education. I am alone on a Saturday but I am blessed beyond measure.