Finally Dana

My name is Dana. I was not born with that name, it is a name that I chose. I chose a new name because the one I was born with did not match who I am or how I want to be perceived. 

I am transgender. I often wish I was not. 

I have been lauded for my bravery and been told that I am an inspiration for “living my truth.” I don’t feel brave, and while I hope I can inspire others, I wish that “living my truth” was not such a public display. I don’t feel brave because finally admitting to the world that I did not feel like a man was an act of survival, not bravery. 

In late October of 2018, I left work early. I never leave work early and to this date, it is the only meeting I have missed without first informing the other participants. I left because I decided that life was not something worth hanging onto any more. I decided that my best option was to kill myself. I own two guns. I know exactly where they are and even now can picture them clearly in my head. I drove home with the intention of getting my guns, driving until exactly 12:01 am and then killing myself. It did not matter where I was and I do not know why I chose that time. 

As I pulled into the garage I felt relief. My dysphoria had been eating me up my entire life and gradually growing worse and worse. The feeling I had as I pulled up was not fear, trepidation or even doubt, but just relief that it would soon be over. I had made my decision. I finally had an answer for my pain. 

My two wonderful dogs started barking as I pulled up. I could not leave without telling them goodbye so I stopped to give them one more hug. 

My dogs are the reason I am alive and writing this today. I couldn’t leave them. I held them and I cried. That night at midnight or so, right around when I had planned to kill myself, I sat in the bathroom and emailed every therapist I could find who had something related to “transgender” in their bio. I had my first appointment two weeks later and started hormone replacement therapy on December 7, 2018. 

My self concept is undeniably better. I have a greater sense of inner piece and contentedness then I ever felt before. When I’m happy, I am so much more so than I thought possible and when I am sad, it is never quite so deep.

My life is also undeniably worse. I had a “perfect” life. A wife that loved me, a house with a picket fence and two dogs. I traveled out of the country on some kind of wonderful adventure every six months. I had an excellent career and was busily pursuing my doctorate.

My wife is soon to by my ex-wife. I cannot afford to travel and the house will soon be gone. I lost it all in eight months because I finally admitted what I had always known: that I am transgender. Most of the time I think it is worth it. Sometimes I do not.

But now I’m here. I am learning to live my truth. I’m free. I’m finally Dana.

I hope this blog offers me a chance to get some of my thoughts, feelings and experiences out on [virtual] paper. It doesn’t matter to me if people read this, but if somehow someone finds it, I hope it is helpful. 

-Dana