Finally Dana

I signed my divorce papers today. 

Coming out has been a wonderful and horrible experience. I have much to be grateful for and much to celebrate. On the whole, coming out has been a significant positive and in many ways I am blessed. 

But I signed my divorce papers today. 

My wife is, or rather was, my best friend. I have written extensively about what she meant to me. Being trans cost me my friend, companion, lover, and confidant. We had been trying to have children for years and were on the verge of doing so through the surrogacy process. I now will never have children. I need my dogs with me today, but they are with her because it’s not my week to have them. I left work because I could not stop crying. It feels like a chunk of my soul is missing. I am alone.

I am alone, but I am a woman. 

I am living a truth I didn’t dare speak out loud. I am living full time as Dana and I am finding contentment and fulfillment that I never knew existed. I want my wife. I want to be married. I want my dogs and I want children. 

I need to be a woman.

I signed my divorce papers today. I signed them because I am doing what I need to do. I wish I could have it all, but I can’t. I want things to be different but I made a choice between what I wanted and what I needed. 

It was no choice at all.