Finally Dana

I have come out of the closet dozens of times, both in large groups and one on one. I have expressed my truth over beers, in front of a large group of colleagues, via text or Facebook messenger and even once in a pool. The individual acts of coming out can be broken down into five major stages, each of which was built upon the foundation of the previous. Step by step I have arrived to today, full time as myself, if not yet fully realized.

The most important coming out was when I came out to myself. I’ve known I was transgender since at least puberty, but it wasn’t until October 2018 that I was able to declare it and own it. My first post “Finally Dana,” expresses the act of survival that was finally owning my truth.

The second major coming out event was when I told my wife. I was genuinely and deeply in love with her. We were best friends and what felt like soul mates. She knew something was wrong and when I finally opened up she was at first understanding. However, as much as we both might have wanted things to be different, our marriage ultimately dissolved. 

Next was coming out to my family. My parents and sister are and have always been deeply christian. They would object to the term “religious” and in many ways do reject some of the fundamentalist aspects of religion, yet they continue to claim special knowledge about morality due to their “relationship with god.” My brother is much more liberal and was immediately accepting and supportive. My parents love me, but they do not support my transition. 

Next I told my friends. Telling my friends was a difficult process made easier by the fact that my family and wife already knew. As expressed in my post titled “Friends” my relationships are very important to me. Risking them was difficult, but they have been nothing but accepting and welcoming.

Finally, and most recently I came out at work. Coming out at work was my final step towards living life full time as Dana. Reaching the decision to express myself openly was one I took with much deliberation and trepidation. Despite my fear, it become something I needed to do. Being forced to take on my male name and male pronouns was completely untenable as I lived the rest of my life as Dana.

The joy that I feel now as I go to work, go home, work out, go to happy hour, hang out with friends, go to the grocery story and do whatever else it is that life demands without ever having to assume a male name or mannerisms is almost indescribable. 

I smile so much my cheeks hurt. 

I often wonder if the happiness I feel is just “normal person” happy and a reduction of dysphoria, but whatever it is, I’m grateful for it. My dysphoria is not gone. I feel it every time I hear my voice and often when I see my reflection. However, it is far less of a constant companion than it was. I don’t feel hopeless and I don’t spend my nights crying. 

By most objective terms, my life is worse than it was. I moved from a beautiful house to a one-bedroom apartment. I lost my best friend and rarely see my dogs. I no longer enjoy financial security and am broke almost all the time. 

My life is indescribably better.