Finally Dana

“Can I help you sir?”

I stood in the lobby looking confused. I believe the security guard was genuinely trying to be helpful. When I told him my destination, he politely directed me on my way. I was wearing makeup, tight yoga pants and a tight tank top that visibly showed my “developments.”

“Sir” still rings out in my head. It happened days ago, but I can still vividly recall the feeling. It doesn’t fade because this is a reoccurring experience. Last night I was buying some dishes for my new apartment. Again, in full makeup and tight, feminine cloths with the addition of high heel shoes. As I approached the cashier, she spoke to someone on the phone saying, “one moment while I ring this gentleman up.”

The cashier apologized and later in the interaction asked my pronouns, but her consideration made the incident worse. She had good intentions but automatically viewed me as male. I do not blame cis-gendered people for using the wrong pronouns. I do not think that it is a conscious act (in most cases). It does drive home my inescapable maleness and exacerbates the regret I feel in not transitioning when I was younger.

I knew something was wrong with me when I was 6 or 7. I figured out what it was when I was 12 and connected to the internet. I bought black market hormones off the internet when I was 16, then after purging bought them again when I was 18. I made and canceled a dozen therapist appointment throughout my university years. I collected entire wardrobes of cloths, then got rid them in shame at least 4 or 5 times. Yet here I am 36 years old and a newborn.

I want to be casually feminine. I want to go to the grocery store in no makeup and a hoodie and be called “miss.” I want people to automatically refer to me by female terms and pronouns when they see me. This dream will be hard for me to achieve. It will require significant time, money, and medical procedures. Maybe I will reach this goal, but perhaps I will not.

One of the significant joys in transitioning and becoming more visible is the opportunity to help trans and questioning kids. I work for a school district and am a trained School Psychologist. Already, despite not being entirely out at work (though visibly gender-nonconforming), I have had the chance to help trans students in need. It is wonderful to see them exploring their identity. Bullies still exist, but for the most part, the students body is accepting and supportive. I love to see it and am SO happy for them. I also feel a twinge of jealousy every time.

Jealousy in unbecoming, yet inescapable. The window has closed on my chance to develop as I was really meant to. However, I can use my experience to continue to support students both in person and through agitation for systems level changes. Advocacy and support will be part of my story.